4 under 4 seems like such a better title for my life right now than Whitmore Family News. But alas I digress before I have started.
Bardez was born to us at 5:30am as a large healthy baby. He made it even after I had so many fears of loosing him. Now he is here and the weight of this being our last baby has made me a pile of mush. I want to hold on to every moment and remember every day. As I pile up clothes that don't fit (or write this post) it makes me cry to let go of even a little part of the 'little newborn' phase. He is growing and interacting and becoming more and more of his own person. I cannot wait to see who that person is but selfishly I want to stop time - to live in the days of co-sleeping and nursing and just smiling at each other. There is no purer love than that of a new baby.
While my heart desires that and my eyes fill with tears at the thought of anything but that I know something inside of me is pulling to to something better. Less fear more joy. Less holding on to everything more holding just one thing. Less discontent and more contentedness. I don't want to let go of my fear, holding on, my discontent because it threatens my need for control. Knowing something better is out there, ready to relieve and offer reprieve doesn't always win.
I feel like Job when he says 3:26 "I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest" the key to the verse is the ending though, it goes on to say "but trouble comes". My trouble is not trouble at all. Why does my heart believe it to be so? How do I feel like empathizing with Job when I am not experiencing similar things? Job encountered real trouble, loss of his whole family even. He is encouraged by friends to curse God. That is not my state. I need not curse anything as I am blessed, God has blessed me over and over. Why can't I turn it back to him. To let him hold the blessing that he has given me. Why am I so scared for being 'cursed' myself?
What do you do when you feel like you can't let go - when you need to keep this one to yourself? Where do you hide and what is your breaking point - when do you get to let go?
